I really love Christmas. More than most people.  My decorations are always up before December 1st. My Christmas music creeps through the house before [American] Thanksgiving.  And I could spend hours watching Lifetime Christmas movies.  There is one thing that I just cannot tolerate, however: a bad Christmas song.

The following are the worst Christmas songs of all time.

5. The Christmas Shoes

This is very possibly the most depressing Christmas song. Ever.  If you have been living under a rock during the past decade and have missed the Christmas Shoes phenomenon, I ought to explain that the song tells the story is about a boy with a dying mother who wishes to buy her fancy shoes so that she’ll look pretty for Jesus when she dies.  I find this song so ineffably infuriating that I will neither waste my time (or yours) by pointing out the logical and theological flaws in the song, nor point to the idiocy of a father that would encourage his child to follow through on a plan such as this. Amazingly, this dreadful song was thought so inspiring that a TV movie was made; it follows the plot of the song.  Joy to the world?

 

4. Carol of the Bells

As a small child, this song terrified me. I always equated this song with the scoring of Home Alone, which played with the main theme whenever the roguish Kevin McCallister was dangerously close to villains Harry and Marv.  Growing up, the song would always put a sinking feeling in my stomach. Now that I’m older, I still find it entirely contrary to the spirit of Christmas. It just feels dark.   And the Trans-Siberian Orchestra version still sort of creeps me out.

 

3. My Favorite Things

I am annoyed by this song for the following reason:

  1. It isn’t a Christmas song at all.
  2. It feels melancholy to me.
  3. The Julie Andrews version is never played. It is the only good version.
  4. More cover versions = more air time on the radio.
  5. And this time of year, this song is played over, and over, and over again.

The band Pomplamoose recorded a cover and I think it caricatures everything I hate about this song:

Also, how creepy is her face while she sings?

 

2. The Little Drummer Boy

This year, my dearly beloved Justin Bieber did the unthinkable. He made “The Little Drummer Boy” even more intolerable. The track, which features Busta Rhymes, includes the addition of rap interludes between the annoyingly repetitive traditional lyrics.  And the rap interludes are annoyingly cheesy:

Rum pa pa pum, rum pa pum pum pum pum.
Yeah I’m on the drum, yeah I’m on the snare drum.
Yeah I’m on the beat cause the beat goes dumb.
And I only spit heat cause I’m playin’ for the Son.
Playin’ for the King, playin for the Title,
I’m surprised you didn’t hear this in the Bible.
I’m so tight, I might go psycho.
Christmas time so here’s a recital.
I’m so bad like Michael, I know I’m still young but I go I go.
Stupid stupid love like cupid,
I’m the drummer boy so do it, do it.

If you dare, listen:

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause

The song features the lyrics “Oh what a laugh it would have been / If daddy had only seen / Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.”  While I’m sure this song was intended for adults who would fill in the blanks and assume that Santa was, in fact, daddy, I feel it is entirely too ambiguous.  There is no real allusion to the father’s presence. Instead, mommy is kissing Santa Claus while her child looks on and laughs.  Mommy is kissing an old, fat man with a big, bushy beard and Jr. is amused.  Who wrote this?  A 7-year-old Maury Povich?  I’m not sure, but I’ve never been a fan.